Today is the last day of all of this...Tomorrow I'll board a plane and reality will set in. And then reality will change me back. I'll count my calories and go to the gym. I'll re-learn how to exist on 5-6 hours of sleep. I'll happily run after a now-running toddler. I'll answer questions that I find benign or ignorant gracefully, and happy to help. I already feel it creeping in; The need-to-dos, want-to-dos. Honestly, I couldn't and wouldn't want to live on "vacation time" forever. It's precious because it's limited. But reality is scary.
This year has played host to more changes than I'd like to even discuss, and it's set to facilitate more changes when I get back to real life: Scary changes, big changes that I don't even know how to traverse yet. My son is growing up faster than I'd ever believed possible. Halfway through my 28th year, I feel an itching in my soul that I can't ignore and run from. Running from that itch, that calling, means ignoring my "gut" and means numbing myself from knowing what my calling is, but refusing to acknowledge it. I don't know if it's because I'm a mother now that I feel obligated to be strong, or if it's just because I grew into my strength that I feel the need to run head-on into the scary, impossible abyss of the unknown.
For a long time now, I've felt myself swimming against the tide. I've been trying to stay in the channel markers of life- the "should-dos". And, for the most part, I think I've done ok. But I'm exhausted. I feel the tide pulling me in new directions that I'm inclined to trust, and I know I have to let go of certain things- precious things- to find a new paradigm.
Growing up, I dreamed of being extraordinarily ordinary. This year has brought me back to my songwriting with a vengeance and in looking at what's pouring out of my heart and into my mouth and onto my piano, it's clear I may have set my own bar too low. Not that my life hasn't been, and isn't extraordinary. But I am deeply seeking on a subconscious level. I'm watching people around me- people I love- "grow up"and grow into patterns, rather than themselves. I'm watching other people I know- the more fearless folk- "light up". They're fearlessly true to themselves. They're rebellious in their cause, but not in their actions. And it's paying off. Both kinds take extreme courage; For the "grow-uppers", it takes a hell of a lot of work to forget about who you really are and what you really want. For the "light-uppers", it takes a hell of a lot of courage to not care what anyone else wants from or thinks of you to be so single-minded in your own self-love and determination.
I'd like to think I've fallen somewhere in between these two groups. And I feel called to pick a side.
My commitment to finding my own "light" is going to come through several small and large actions, decisions, prayers and conversations. Some changes will seep in through my pores- nearly impossible to detect. And some changes will shake my world, hang it upside down and feel like Armageddon- forcing me to rebuild pieces of my life that, truthfully, are incredibly comfortable and hard to shake. I'm scared to death.
I've known the necessity in this, I've known the fear, and I've seen this on my radar for years now. But I've stood paralyzed by the greatness of what already is, what could be, and the possibility of unfixable mess. But I don't want to spend the rest of my life being numb.
Those are my choices after all; Feel this incredible fear about so many aspects of my life and embrace it, run towards it, face it and hope to conquer it; Or see the fear (and the hope on the other side of the fear) and pretend as if there's no other option than what is; forget about feeling alive, "lit up", MYSELF.
A few times in the last 3-6 months, I've gone out with this girl. Sometimes we're joined by other friends. Sometimes it's just her and me, and we write at a piano. We share ideas about life and what it should be. But I'm kind of amazed by her. She's fun; she's hopeful. She's inspired and inspiring. She laughs easily and loves meeting new people. She's a fantastic, devoted, die-for-your-kid kind of mother. She's deeply spiritual and faithful. She believes in love, and purpose, and courage, and happiness and, above all- possibilities. This girl is me. The me that I haven't necessarily forgotten about, but the me that I've forfeited in favor of "fitting" and following the "shoulds". This girl- me- is pretty awesome, and I feel like not sharing her with the world- with my friends, my family, my yet-to-be-friends, is a waste of a life. For the first time in a long time, I'm discovering who I am- as an adult- and I'm really excited about what I'm finding.
I'm not sure what all this means, but I'm going to try to blog as I soul-search and traverse this really weird, and hopefully fulfilling part of my life. I feel like this is my renaissance, and it's wonderfully, beautifully, frighteningly perfect.
So, tomorrow, reality will set back in. But instead of letting it find me, I'm going after it. I'm going after it to redefine it, to figure it out, and to insist that my life be not "extraordinarily ordinary", but rather just plain extraordinary. I'm raising the bar, and I'm excited to see what will unfold when I ask for, and work towards what I really want and deserve.
I know one thing: I'd forgotten for a long time how important my relationships are to my well-being. Relationships of all kinds. If I haven't already, I will probably call on you, or hope you'll call on me. I want to pick the brains of people I trust and respect as I make decisions in my own world. I want you all to make me laugh, or let me cry (if I have to-- I'm hoping I won't have TOO many tears, but know with change always comes some mourning). I want you to challenge me and hold me to what I'm capable of; Don't let me slide. I want you to be my mirrors. I want you to ask me difficult, honest questions. I want you to be honest with me, and let me be honest with you. I guess this means, too, there are certain things I'm not going to allow in this next chapter...things I don't have time or energy or space for: Judgment. Disrespect. Hate. Ignorance. Intolerance. In most ways, I don't know how or what I'll be changing, but I know everything will probably get messier and harder to categorize before it gets prettier. I think most of the people in my life are down with the messy, real, needy, challenging version of me (she only surfaces every now and then), but if you're not, I get that... I just don't need that right now. I need lots of love, light and inspiration. I'd like to think almost everyone in my life already fits those categories, but it's something that should be said in full disclosure ;)
I'll leave you with some incredible lyrics that a very talented man who I've been blessed to meet wrote. They seem more than applicable to this time in my life:
"This might hurt, it's not safe
but I know that I've gotta make a change.
I don't care if I break-
At least I'll be feeling something.
Cause just ok is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life...
....I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
what if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions."
"Motions" by Matthew West
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