Dear Mr. Jeffries and Abercrombie

In a recent interview, Ray Lewis, co-author of “The New Rules of Retail” outlined his perspective on Abercrombie and Fitch’s business model of not offering women’s clothes any larger than size 10. Mr. Lewis’s visibility has shifted the focus to comments Abercrombie’s CEO, Mike Jeffries, has made about the brand over the years. Among Mr. Jeffrie’s philosophies on his company:

“Candidly, we go after the cool kids…A lot of people don’t belong, and they can’t belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely.”

“(Sex appeal) is why we hire good looking people in our stores. Because good looking people attract other good-looking people and we want to market to good-looking people. We don’t market to anyone other than that.”

Because this issue is more than big or small, right or wrong, I’ve issued the following open letter to Mr. Jeffries:

Mr. Jeffries,

I do not expect you to read this, or for this letter to affect your marketing plan. In fact, I’m sure you’re ecstatic that Abercrombie is generating the kind of buzz it is. No such thing as bad press, right? As a businesswoman and entrepreneur, I find your strategy fascinating, and yes, I’ll admit it- even smart: Including everyone does keep the peace, but it doesn’t make a splash- I get it. You want Abercrombie to stand out, to make a difference…right?

On behalf of countless (former and present) fat kids, computer nerds, chess club geeks, braces-wearers, eat-lunch-aloners, and hand-me-down-wearers, let me say: We don’t need Abercrombie, but someday you may need us. Perhaps you haven’t seen the end of this movie yet, but the good guys win. The geeks you’re isolating now don’t stay geeks, and the fat kids get healthy or grow into their bodies. The computer nerds and chess club geeks grow up to be CEOs of companies like yours. The braces wearers grow up to be supermodels. The eat-lunch-aloners grow up to be politicians or movie stars, and the hand-me-down-wearers grow up to be millionaires. As is with everything, Mr. Jeffries, the “cool” that you’re targeting is cyclical. And by isolating today’s “un-cool”, fat, or geeky kids, you miss out on tomorrow’s “cool kid”- the one who never felt welcomed by you or your company when they didn’t fit your mold, and has no intention of supporting it now that they do.

The reality of this situation is this: The world doesn’t need an Abercrombie. Not because we don’t need trendy, over-perfumed jeans, but because we don’t need those jeans at the expense of self-worth and tolerance. Call it what you will- marketing, making a splash, being “exciting”- but a spade is a spade. There are countless stores that do not cater to plus size markets, and that’s fine. It’s not about that. It’s about the understanding that isolating a portion of the population (a large portion. Pun intended) through hateful, divisive speech is unnecessary. Those of us that are over a size 10 already feel subconscious about our size when we walk in or by your stores, and already compare ourselves to the size 0 17-year-old model hanging like a tarp on your walls,  unrealistic as that comparison may be. No one’s shocked, that Abercrombie doesn’t cater to a plus size market (unless you live under a rock). But by coming into the national spotlight to highlight your intolerance for a group of “not-so-cool” and larger-than-size-large people, you are not doing us a disservice. You are serving as a catalyst for outward discrimination and as a breeder and symbol of bigotry. You are doing Abercrombie and Fitch a disservice, and reflecting negatively on everyone that ever has or ever will shop there or work there.

Mr. Jeffries, I admire a man who values his career. But I wonder, if someday you had a child, or a nephew or niece that struggled with their weight, or didn’t fit the Abercrombie mold, what you might say to them when they came to you, upset that they couldn’t shop at the same store as their friends. I wouldn’t expect you to change it for them, no- no parent or mentor or teacher or friend can change the world to accommodate every want or every win for their child, nor should they want to. But could you look at a child that you loved and tell them, “You know, let me tell you: There are cool kids and not-so-cool kids, and you’re just not a cool kid. You’re not thin and beautiful. And you probably should be excluded. Oh, and also- you’ll probably never have thin, beautiful or popular friends. Because thin, beautiful people only like hanging out with thin beautiful people”. Would you say that?

Whether you like it or not, whether you asked for it or not, children (and adults) listen and invest in public figures, companies and brands. You, Mr. Jeffries, and Abercrombie, are two of many entities that we are aware of and invested in through the media, our marketplace and word of mouth. This is a tremendous accomplishment, and also a tremendous privilege- to be a brand that is known throughout the world, raking in money hand over fist, and in a position of success. However, with great privilege comes great responsibility. It is not your responsibility to cater to size 0 through size 28W. It’s not- No matter what anyone says, thinks or wants. But it is your responsibility, as a public figure and public company to promote acceptance, ideally, but respect absolutely- especially because of your target demographic of 14-22 year old girls- OR to say absolutely nothing at all. This is not hard. Literally: If all you can think of to say is bashing one group for the supposed benefit of another, Just. Shut. Up.

Somewhere there is a teenage girl who cannot fit into the Abercrombie and Fitch clothes her girl friends wear. I promise you, she’s already cried about it. She’s already appraised her own self-worth as being little to none. She’s already wondered if she’ll ever be “cool” or grow into herself, or out of her awkwardness. And if she has read your stinging words, you have not come off as “matter-of-fact” or “just being honest”. You’ve pushed her one step further to the edge…maybe even over it. In a world where pre-teens and teens spend more time with their computer than their parents, more time at malls than outside and measure themselves against Abercrombie models rather than role models, your words are as important as anyone’s (mothers, fathers, friends, family)- and potentially even more important because of the position in which you sit. That’s an unfair responsibility, absolutely, but it’s not untrue.

Ultimately, business, people and trends evolve. I do not wish you or your business poorly, and believe you will continue to be an authority in the teen fashion market. But it will not be because of your views; it will be in spite of them. I’m sorry that you are so steeped in superficiality that you believe your customers care about whether or not someone who is a size 16 wearing their same jeans might make them less cool. As a curvy girl who has some hot, cool, popular, kick-ass friends, I think you underestimate your customer…And the only thing worse than being discriminated against, is being underestimated.

Here’s to small business boutiques, clothing companies that make a difference without isolation, and jeans that perfectly hug my round, curvy hips,

Isabeau

 

 

 

The 7 Signs of Personal Growth

On the road to your “favorite you”, it’s common to revolve through a truckload of various emotions. Some of these are gut-check opportunities, to re-evaluate if you’re truly on the right path- if you’re following your heart, or if you’re just following your own marching orders, out of habit. But sometimes, these emotions are road blocks, brick walls- challenges meant to deter the uncommitted, and challenge the passionate. It’s easy to mistake these emotions as signs to throw in the towel. We assume NO ONE else that has found the success we’re after has experienced these growing pains, and if it were really our meant-to-be path, it wouldn’t be so frustratingly hard.

We’re also programmed as humans to primarily see the challenges. It’s much harder to look (or feel) the progress, than it is the problems. You already know the road blocks, so let’s check out the sure-fire signs that you are, indeed, on the way to being the rock star you envision:

1.    You feel like you’ll never know as much, or be as awesome as (fill in the blank)

Anyone that ever yearned for more has compared their journey to that of someone else. We may be completely committed to being 100% original, and breaking the proverbial mold, but it doesn’t stop us from saying, “Well…so and so did such and such. If they can do that, I can DEFINITELY do this”. Just as it’s impossible to avoid a comparison of experiences, it’s equally impossible to not, at some point, feel completely and utterly defeated by your part-role model/part competitor. You probably won’t feel it all the time, but every now and then, when you’re in the throws of trying to figure out how or where you’ll leave your mark, you’ll feel like you will never live up to the model image or circumstance you have in your head. You might sulk and may even find some solace in a bar of dark chocolate (something I’ve never done!), but you will ultimately circle back to the conclusion that the most valuable asset you have to offer the world is the art of being YOU, and no one, not even Oprah or the President or the most successful CEO/weight loss achiever/movie star can do THAT.

2.     Friendships Change

Anyone who’s undergoing the incredibly painful process of personal growth knows that it changes everything. One of the most challenging hurdles you are likely to face is when your friends that have always been AMAZING suddenly suck, or when friends that have always been SUCKY are suddenly amazing.  As you grow, it is a fact that not everyone can grow with you, which means sometimes, growing away from relationships that are more comfortable with you being stagnant. Your friends that have always “loved you the way you are” (read: on their level), have a fraction of their subconscious that does not want you to succeed. That probably sounds harsh, maybe even a bit dramatic. But it’s true. If you change, they have only these choices: Change with you, accept your change and stay the same, or forget you ever existed. All of these are impossibly hard, especially when most often, we’re not aware of what’s driving our resentment, just that it exists. On the other side of the same coin, as you start to settle into who you’re meant to be, you’ll feel like people start coming out of the woodwork. You’ll be quick to dismiss these people as “users” or “flakes” that don’t deserve you- “If they didn’t love me the way I was, they don’t deserve me the way that I am”. That’s fine, it’s your prerogative. But you’ll potentially miss out on good people that support your goals and dreams. The assumption is that the intent of the “moochers” is just that- to suckle your success. But often, these new friends come out of the woodwork because they recognize something in you they either didn’t see before and do now, or see in you something they would like to see in themselves. In short, you inspire them. Take it as a compliment. And for the friends that want you anchored in the shallow end when you’re dying to go deep, keep them in your life on your terms, if you can. If you can’t, let them go. They were never a friend of yours, anyway- just a friend of your subpar circumstances.

3.     Your Priorities Shift

Maybe you don’t care anymore if your impossible-to-impress boss is blown away by your analytical abilities, or you trade corporate budgeting for beefy conversations with the motorcycle-riding, tattooed sandwich delivery guy. Maybe your once can’t-miss Law and Order SVU episodes are (happily) replaced with brainstorming and soul searching. Perhaps the dinner date with your girlfriends has been trumped by sweating it out at spin class. When you’re on the right path, you make sacrifices, but the crazy part is- they don’t feel like sacrifices anymore. It’s been all over facebook and pinterest: “Those that want it, find a way. Those that don’t, find an excuse”. And it’s true. There are people that work 3 jobs, while raising kids, AND getting fit, AND pursuing their passion. If they have the vision of a better life, they will find a way to juggle it- It will feel busy, sometimes chaotic or overwhelming, but success and whatever it takes to get there will become a non-negotiable priority. If they’re not dedicated, and it’s just a holding pattern without a purpose, they’ll forget about it. When you crave growth more than you crave pizza/stability/anything, you will know you’re on your way (even if you’re not yet at your final destination).

4.     People Think You’re Crazy (and they’re right)

In my own growth, I’ve literally been told- out loud- that I’m crazy countless times. The general population doesn’t understand how or why you’d want to challenge yourself beyond your current capabilities. To be one of those people- the ones that have it all together, the ones that achieve, the ones that inspire- you have to break outside the norm, because the reality of it is, the average Joe Schmoe does not aspire to do what you do. To think you can live an “ordinary” life, with “ordinary” thought processes, and somehow do something extraordinary is the true crazy. If you’re not causing a stir at the water cooler or making your family question your mental health, that’s when you should start wondering if you’re just not growing enough.

5.     You Suck at Something, and You’re OK with It

When we’re not living true to our purpose and our ultimate goal, we are quick to defend our shortcomings, and try to defy them. “You think I can’t run?? FINE! I’m going to train for a marathon!”, “I’m not good at details??? OK! Watch me file this paperwork like a boss!”, “Oh- really? You think I’m disorganized??? I’m going to alphabetize my pantry and arrange my closet by color!”. The second someone tells us we’re not good at something, even if it’s something we didn’t care about, it becomes a priority to prove them wrong. This happens when we are in a reactive state. When you’re following your goal, you’re in a proactive state because you’re working for something, instead of against something else. It changes everything. When you’re proactive, you know what you care about, and what will or won’t contribute to your success, so the criticisms (sharp as they may be) about the crap that isn’t on your radar, stays just that: off your radar. Instead of reacting by trying to remediate the criticism, you respond by highlighting the awesomeness that you are consciously working on or concerned about, and the value you possess that others may not have even had an opportunity to see: “You think I can’t run? Yeah, you’re right. But have you seen me conquer kickboxing?”, “I’m not good at details? That’s fair. But man, my conversations with people are life-changing.”, “I’m disorganized? True. But I sure as heck have an eye for decorating!”  If you’re focused on what you actually are, and what you want to do, the things other people want you to be and do just don’t matter. In fact, more often than not, when you’re psyched about what you already are, you easily sell people on that too, and by the end of their ultra-authentic interactions with you, they’ll be wondering why they didn’t know you were a master kickboxer, a buzzing conversationalist or an HGTV-worthy design star.

6.     You’re Letting Someone Down

Yeah, this kind of goes hand-in-hand with the friendships changing, but on a deeper level. When I started Crossfit in January, I called my mom with tears in my eyes. It wasn’t about how challenging it was (and it was), or how badly I wanted to change (I did), but instead, it was about feeling awful that my 9 month old would miss out on family dinners, since the only Crossfit class that accommodated my work schedule was during the dinner hour. I face similar struggles every day, in order to work on the things I know I have to, to be successful. And even when I do them for the greater good of my son, my husband, my career, my family, (etc, etc), the guilt of not being able to be all things to all people can feel overwhelming. The truth is, personal growth is just that: Personal. Other people are included in, and affect, your journey, but the journey is your own. That means that sometimes you will be perceived as selfish. And that stings- especially when it’s thought in relation to your children and being an inadequate parent. But the reality is, you’re no good to anyone if you’re not the best version of yourself you can be. Do you want your kid to achieve? To be happy? To follow their calling? Of course you do! So, how in the world would you expect them to know that and more importantly INTERNALIZE it if they don’t see their parent doing it for themselves? Guilt is probably the ickiest of all the unavoidable emotions you will encounter, but it serves no one. Have the occasional pity party for one, then don’t apologize for allocating your time as you need to. Make your fitness/career/dream a priority when you can, and then be a kick-ass, involved mother/father/wife/husband/daughter/son/friend, etc when you’re in that role. If you can master the art of staying present, wherever you are, whoever you’re with, and whatever your focus is at that moment, you will find that your impossibly busy schedule motivates you to be more emotionally invested, and allows you to be less resentful than if you were asked to give up on yourself or your dreams in exchange for something you’re “supposed” to do or be.

7.     You Feel It

This is the obvious one- the one we expect to show up first, and most often shows up only after our ambitions have been mercilessly tested. When you’re on your way, the mojo is cranking. It manifests in every part of your being, your circumstances, and your relationships and you couldn’t separate it if you wanted to (and you don’t). When you’re truly invested in your dream, you see the “after” to your “before”, but deeper than that; you start living your after. You want a strong, fit, sexy body? You start to feel that you are all those things, long before the outside world is privy to seeing it. You are turned on by making a difference in the world and want to change the paradigm of your industry? You start to (on a small scale) act as if you already are paradigm-changing. Your body language is involved, excited, joyous. Your conversations are rich, thought-provoking and satisfying. Your romances are equal parts hot, committed and flirty. Your friendships are flourishing and fit you just right. When you’re who you like to be with, you can only attract and become more of what you’d like to be. Not only will there not be room for anything else, but you won’t even recognize anything else as an option. People will notice—what they’ll notice, they won’t be able to pinpoint, but they will notice. And you will know that you are on the track to showing the world all that you are, all that you’ve always been, and all that you’re yet to be. 

My BIGGEST Biggest Loser Mistake

I am an expert, as so many are, at making mistakes. It’s part of life, and even though we all know this, it never stops sucking when we “mess up”. Life is a series of peaks, valleys and plateaus, so it’s probably easy for all of us to look back and pick apart decisions we made (good or bad), and the shoulda, woulda, couldas we rehash over cocktails or coffee.

As I’ve been journeying (again) through shredding off the weight I gained with my pregnancy (a year later, and still 7 lbs to go), I’ve been tempted on more than one occasion to look back on my experience with Biggest Loser. After re-gaining some of my weight, and then getting pregnant, it’s easy to hear critics. They’re everywhere. ESPECIALLY on the internet. The anonymity a computer screen provides can breed vicious, venomous jerks, and despite our best efforts, we all “google”. We all see and hear and internalize the awful, sometimes unfounded searing words of a stranger. And Nothing. Sucks. More.

Nothing sucks more because everything people say, we’ve already thought of ourselves. No one is going to point out, for the first time EVER, something we haven’t already fought with, cried over, or prayed about. We are our own worse critics, absolutely, but when someone further validates the negative criticisms you yourself are doling out, it’s a really hurtful place.

Fortunately, I’ve done well not googling, and honestly, 6 years post-Biggest Loser, I don’t think I’m only known as “Biggest Loser Isabeau” anymore. To most, I’m probably irrelevant and off-the-grid. Which is ok, because being a Biggest Loser has always been a part of my journey, rather than all of it. I want so much more, even if it might stem from the roots of BL.

Being in a happy place in my life- married, moderately successful, still young(ish), with a perfect son and so many loving people in my life- reflections on my Biggest Loser journey have changed. The mistakes I made along the way- of which there are many- have shifted in their priority level. Things that seemed monumental even a few years ago have been diminished through perspective shifts and life events. But there’s one biggy, one colossal, unforgivable mistake I made that I can only promise never to make again:

After, and even during Biggest Loser, I lost something very, very important to me. Something I had that kept me afloat through weight fluctuations, tragedies, achievements, etc: I lost myself. Not the self I necessarily was, but the self I knew I was absolutely meant to be.

During my time on reality tv, though I did all I could to represent who I was and what I stood for externally, internally, I lost it. No, not my mind, but my soul- my vision of what success looked like, and more importantly, felt like.

It’s been interesting watching 10 seasons after mine. There’s a noticeable trend (especially with the women). Those who end up finding this insanely ridiculous body, who stand on the stage with confetti reigning over them, and then keep it off for life, are the ones who believed they could, and more importantly, believed they would. They saw themselves fit and successful before they ever were, and so, their body just adapted to where their heart was already leading them. Not to say that physical transformation is ever easy, but when you have the buy-in of your heart- of your being- it’s a different kind of challenging. It’s sweat and tears, but it’s DIRECTED sweat and tears. It’s PURPOSEFUL sweat and tears. It’s sweat and tears that understand what the end game is.

I thought the end game was a finale. A finish line. I never understood that the end game was LIFE. Which sounds almost crazy. I’ve watched my season back before, and I hear myself saying that I get it. But I didn’t get it. Ask Nicole from my season- I had the mother of all countdowns going (“Isabeau’s Countdown Extravagannnnnzzzzaaaa!”, as Nicole would call it). My countdown(s) were days till the next weigh in, weeks till we went home, months to the finale. It gave me something finite, which I thought, at the time, was helpful. If I hadn’t made this mistake once already, I’d probably still think that it would be helpful.

It wasn’t helpful because I ended up working like the finale depended on it, not my life. I had no concept of what might happen post-Biggest Loser. I just didn’t think about it. It wasn’t on my radar. It wasn’t on my countdown.

I found a new self- one that was only a Biggest Loser contestant. My temporary persona became a fixed goal in my mind, and because of that, I lost who I would be after. Prior to Biggest Loser, I had lots of dreams, and thoughts and goals for everything in my life. But for some reason that I really don’t even understand myself, I lost sight of all of them in exchange for being a black team member. It was no one’s fault, not even mine, because it didn’t happen consciously, it wasn’t requested of me or demanded of me or by me. But it happened.

So, I guess you could call this one of my big “regrets”, because of how painful it is to lose yourself, and have to try to find yourself again- especially under the watchful, critical eye of any amount of public (I’m no Kim Kardashian- thank God- but those BL fans can be harsh!).  The hardest part of this journey has been, that I felt guilty for “wasting” an opportunity, as BL fans are quick to conclude and point out. But it wasn’t an opportunity wasted. It was an opportunity to win, then lose, then win again (coming soon!)- but this time knowing and understanding how precious that win is, how fragile it is, and how much continuous upkeep it takes to maintain it.

No, I’m not talking about a win in terms of weight, although I believe that is and will be a direct reflection of my journey. I’m talking about the internal win. The win where you wake up in the morning knowing your purpose, and not downplaying it for the comfort of others. The win where you passionately speak your mind because it’s true, and right and inspiring, even if it’s controversial. The win where you can “see” yourself 10, 20, 30 years from now, and the life you want to be living, and be unafraid of venturing into it, as if it’s a given, not just a possibility. These are my wins. They’re wins I am learning everyday, and fighting for everyday. They do not come easily, or by just “thinking” about them. They come from a tremendous amount of self-reflection, visualization, exercise, conscientious eating, water-drinking, positive affirmations, and pure, unadulterated bravery. Every time I make the decision to be true to my beliefs, be true to my vision of myself, I’m afraid. Because I know the vision of myself and who I currently am don’t (yet) match. I’m not a size 10, fit, super-woman, inspiring the world through learning, love and self-development, so it’s scary to act like that’s a given. But I really believe it is a given. I believe I can be all those things. I believe I will be all those things—and more! And because I venture through that crazy-Can-I-Do-This fear, amazing things happen. I have more meaningful conversations. The light that once shined in me has started flickering, and I know it will be blazing soon. I do things out of purpose instead of out of habit. I say “no” when I need to, and “yes” when I want to. Things are changing and it feels SO good.

I know some of you think I’m crazy. Think I’m a flake. Think I’m a failure. Some of you have made it a point to let me know that. And that’s ok. Because unlike 6 years ago, post-finale, post- “finish line”, I know in the depths of my soul that I am a work in progress—working towards a life (not just a tv show) that I can be proud of, that I can say I deserve and that I know I will be absolutely, positively in love with- because, even though it has yet to completely materialize, I already am in love with it, and on a small scale that’s growing everyday, it’s already MINE.