My BIGGEST Biggest Loser Mistake

I am an expert, as so many are, at making mistakes. It’s part of life, and even though we all know this, it never stops sucking when we “mess up”. Life is a series of peaks, valleys and plateaus, so it’s probably easy for all of us to look back and pick apart decisions we made (good or bad), and the shoulda, woulda, couldas we rehash over cocktails or coffee.

As I’ve been journeying (again) through shredding off the weight I gained with my pregnancy (a year later, and still 7 lbs to go), I’ve been tempted on more than one occasion to look back on my experience with Biggest Loser. After re-gaining some of my weight, and then getting pregnant, it’s easy to hear critics. They’re everywhere. ESPECIALLY on the internet. The anonymity a computer screen provides can breed vicious, venomous jerks, and despite our best efforts, we all “google”. We all see and hear and internalize the awful, sometimes unfounded searing words of a stranger. And Nothing. Sucks. More.

Nothing sucks more because everything people say, we’ve already thought of ourselves. No one is going to point out, for the first time EVER, something we haven’t already fought with, cried over, or prayed about. We are our own worse critics, absolutely, but when someone further validates the negative criticisms you yourself are doling out, it’s a really hurtful place.

Fortunately, I’ve done well not googling, and honestly, 6 years post-Biggest Loser, I don’t think I’m only known as “Biggest Loser Isabeau” anymore. To most, I’m probably irrelevant and off-the-grid. Which is ok, because being a Biggest Loser has always been a part of my journey, rather than all of it. I want so much more, even if it might stem from the roots of BL.

Being in a happy place in my life- married, moderately successful, still young(ish), with a perfect son and so many loving people in my life- reflections on my Biggest Loser journey have changed. The mistakes I made along the way- of which there are many- have shifted in their priority level. Things that seemed monumental even a few years ago have been diminished through perspective shifts and life events. But there’s one biggy, one colossal, unforgivable mistake I made that I can only promise never to make again:

After, and even during Biggest Loser, I lost something very, very important to me. Something I had that kept me afloat through weight fluctuations, tragedies, achievements, etc: I lost myself. Not the self I necessarily was, but the self I knew I was absolutely meant to be.

During my time on reality tv, though I did all I could to represent who I was and what I stood for externally, internally, I lost it. No, not my mind, but my soul- my vision of what success looked like, and more importantly, felt like.

It’s been interesting watching 10 seasons after mine. There’s a noticeable trend (especially with the women). Those who end up finding this insanely ridiculous body, who stand on the stage with confetti reigning over them, and then keep it off for life, are the ones who believed they could, and more importantly, believed they would. They saw themselves fit and successful before they ever were, and so, their body just adapted to where their heart was already leading them. Not to say that physical transformation is ever easy, but when you have the buy-in of your heart- of your being- it’s a different kind of challenging. It’s sweat and tears, but it’s DIRECTED sweat and tears. It’s PURPOSEFUL sweat and tears. It’s sweat and tears that understand what the end game is.

I thought the end game was a finale. A finish line. I never understood that the end game was LIFE. Which sounds almost crazy. I’ve watched my season back before, and I hear myself saying that I get it. But I didn’t get it. Ask Nicole from my season- I had the mother of all countdowns going (“Isabeau’s Countdown Extravagannnnnzzzzaaaa!”, as Nicole would call it). My countdown(s) were days till the next weigh in, weeks till we went home, months to the finale. It gave me something finite, which I thought, at the time, was helpful. If I hadn’t made this mistake once already, I’d probably still think that it would be helpful.

It wasn’t helpful because I ended up working like the finale depended on it, not my life. I had no concept of what might happen post-Biggest Loser. I just didn’t think about it. It wasn’t on my radar. It wasn’t on my countdown.

I found a new self- one that was only a Biggest Loser contestant. My temporary persona became a fixed goal in my mind, and because of that, I lost who I would be after. Prior to Biggest Loser, I had lots of dreams, and thoughts and goals for everything in my life. But for some reason that I really don’t even understand myself, I lost sight of all of them in exchange for being a black team member. It was no one’s fault, not even mine, because it didn’t happen consciously, it wasn’t requested of me or demanded of me or by me. But it happened.

So, I guess you could call this one of my big “regrets”, because of how painful it is to lose yourself, and have to try to find yourself again- especially under the watchful, critical eye of any amount of public (I’m no Kim Kardashian- thank God- but those BL fans can be harsh!).  The hardest part of this journey has been, that I felt guilty for “wasting” an opportunity, as BL fans are quick to conclude and point out. But it wasn’t an opportunity wasted. It was an opportunity to win, then lose, then win again (coming soon!)- but this time knowing and understanding how precious that win is, how fragile it is, and how much continuous upkeep it takes to maintain it.

No, I’m not talking about a win in terms of weight, although I believe that is and will be a direct reflection of my journey. I’m talking about the internal win. The win where you wake up in the morning knowing your purpose, and not downplaying it for the comfort of others. The win where you passionately speak your mind because it’s true, and right and inspiring, even if it’s controversial. The win where you can “see” yourself 10, 20, 30 years from now, and the life you want to be living, and be unafraid of venturing into it, as if it’s a given, not just a possibility. These are my wins. They’re wins I am learning everyday, and fighting for everyday. They do not come easily, or by just “thinking” about them. They come from a tremendous amount of self-reflection, visualization, exercise, conscientious eating, water-drinking, positive affirmations, and pure, unadulterated bravery. Every time I make the decision to be true to my beliefs, be true to my vision of myself, I’m afraid. Because I know the vision of myself and who I currently am don’t (yet) match. I’m not a size 10, fit, super-woman, inspiring the world through learning, love and self-development, so it’s scary to act like that’s a given. But I really believe it is a given. I believe I can be all those things. I believe I will be all those things—and more! And because I venture through that crazy-Can-I-Do-This fear, amazing things happen. I have more meaningful conversations. The light that once shined in me has started flickering, and I know it will be blazing soon. I do things out of purpose instead of out of habit. I say “no” when I need to, and “yes” when I want to. Things are changing and it feels SO good.

I know some of you think I’m crazy. Think I’m a flake. Think I’m a failure. Some of you have made it a point to let me know that. And that’s ok. Because unlike 6 years ago, post-finale, post- “finish line”, I know in the depths of my soul that I am a work in progress—working towards a life (not just a tv show) that I can be proud of, that I can say I deserve and that I know I will be absolutely, positively in love with- because, even though it has yet to completely materialize, I already am in love with it, and on a small scale that’s growing everyday, it’s already MINE.